Remembering the show Wayne's World when Wayne would close one eye and then the other and say those words "camera one, camera two"... I guess that's a good way to think about the duplicity of my currant situation.  It has gotten worse and better at the same time.

My five year old came home from school early in the year telling about a bully on the play ground. Of course, I started questioning him, I wanted to know who this kid was.  He didn't know his name but he said he had red hair.  His words still hang in my mind.
Son: "Mommy, this mean guy pushes me down on the playground."
Me: "Did you tell your teacher?"
Son: "He's mean and makes me cry, but when I'm crying, he's really nice when he's helping me up"

Wow!  I see so much about this account that reveals my own blindness to maltreatment.  I guess if they are nice when they are afraid they will be caught, they must really be good underneath it all... This is the ridiculous logic that so many women have beneath their resolve to stay in a destructive relationship.

Often we underestimate the evil and cruelty beneath the facade of the one we have trusted our lives with... wolves in sheeps clothing.

Why do you hurt when you lose someone who has treated you so badly?  Maybe it's the death of plans and future.  Maybe even though the thought of living in the stress of a hopeless marriage kills you, you still stare at that person and feel so much.  I don't think the feeling is love.  I think it is astounding loss.  The death of an imaginary person I thought I married and realizing that he never existed.  The idea that a person so base and without conscience could hurt me when all I wanted was to make it work and get to the part of the vows we promised... I just thought they were postponed.  I feel so sad.   I am supposed to let God be my everything during storms like this but I must admit, the fear of the future and the understanding of what this will mean for my boys is enough to put me under.

I have been piecing together the elements of this disaster and I am astounded to find that my darkest suspicions were correct.  Leave it to me to be the fool who thinks that everyone has pure intentions...

I am in the process of getting a divorce.  I am shocked because none of my parents, grand-parents or great grandparents ever got one.  My grandparents celebrated their 60th this past year. 

I feel a tad bit betrayed by God, honestly.  I really believed when I was single that God was bringing "the one."  I thought I married the one.  Honestly up until this summer, I actually still believed that we would make it.  One afternoon driving home from a friends wedding, I asked him if he had any fond memories of our wedding day.  He became brutally honest and admitted that even at our wedding day, he was feeling like this.  Ouch

I must have been the hopeless romantic that kept the fantasy alive all these years.  I believed that he was sincere when he said that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life.  The truth is that he needed me to fill a void that I was never meant to fill and something that will never be filled outside of God.  And that is where he really lives, outside of God.  No matter how much he fakes it or prays for it, he is incapable of that kind of connection because he is emotionally and profoundly damaged.  He misses all the wires and connections that make any type for relationship work, including his with God.  I feel so sorry for him and angry at the "other woman" in his  life.  I finally stumbled upon the proof I needed to confirm the deeply twisted and emotionally incestuous relationship he has had behind my back with his mother for years.  When he blurted out one day prior to our wedding "Don't come between me and my mom"  I should have paid attention and not dismissed it as a sweet concern and protectiveness for his helpless mom.  Little did I know...

Oh... GOD!  I did not want this!!!!

So here I am almost a week since my husband last stayed the night in our house.  I actually feel like I am in control of my environment ( tho the scattered toys and carpet testify to the contrary!)  What I mean is, I am not scared of him coming home.  I am not trembling. 

I do check the windows and get a little panicky about the time he is leaving work... He could pop in even though, I have asked him NOT to...  I received a text yesterday from him, he wants me to "forward" his mail to a post office box.

Is this for real?  This can't be all there is to this.  He is acting way too peaceful.... Something is amiss.  I suspect there are secrets... and ones that I may never know about....

Saturday I was deep in thought, planning and thinking about the thing that I knew I must do... 

LEAVE

I decided to take the boys out and "do something".  We ended up in another small town and in Walmart.  I got a text saying that my husband was home.

Crack!  I knew I could not go home.  I was repulsed by the idea.
It was time.

He offered to come to me and take the kids to "give me a break."  I knew that it would not go well. So I told him that I was leaving and went to another larger town and got a hotel room for the boys and I.

When I got there, I decided to come clean with all the secrets.  Why was I protecting someone who was terrorizing me?  Nuts, huh?

I told my parents, close friends and pastors the inventory version of what had gone down here behind these walls. 
I never indicated to my husband that I had talked.  I simply stated that things were changing and "no more secrets".

He didn't come home.

In fact, he says he is moving out and wants to get his things.

Wow!  I really hope this is what it appears to be!  Thank you God.  I am so glad that I can breathe.  I am so thankful for your faithfulness.  PLEASE, let this go smoothly.... 

Meanwhile I will be an uninteresting target... hopefully, something or someone else will grab his attention.

The thought of leaving has recently become a decision and reality...
this totally sucks.  I will be living three versions of Life until the Red Sea is opened before me. 

One facet: Get along and collect all data, records, and prepare for the D-DAY.  I am giving myself 6 months to get EVERYTHING (which is A LOT) together and complete. Paper work, funds, records, cash, emergency arrangements and employment or income. Support team and family will be informed of my plan.

Second facet:  Pray and treat him the way the Word describes believing that I will get a clear answer either way.  This is his last chance to 'get it".

Third Facet: This is not really about him at all.  I am asking to grow me and teach me HIS truth.  I need to be strong in Him.  I will pursue counseling and seek God for my identity, my personal rights and dreams.  I want to better myself  by stopping bad habits, maturing, and really improving my parenting confidence and self-discipline. I am putting myself into training for the "Marathon" ahead.

The time I spent on the verbalabusejournal.com site was incredibly powerful.  It is one thing to read what experts and pastors have to say about it.  It is something else to see SURVIVORS, with my SAME story, being brave, strong, and real.  Real enough to say OUR ABUSERS NEVER CHANGE...

(leaving room for my previous revelation about my DH... I really want that to happen!)

Not double-minded...

Just being shrewd... being a gullible open mouthed "nice person" got me here in the first place!

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How about figuring out that the "Christian" you married is in fact not a true convert?

Doesn't that bring a bunch of perspective to this whole thing?!!!

Wow! My suspicion is finally confirmed by my husband.  Now a correct diagnosis of the problem is in hand.  Now I switch from crying out for justice and help to understanding that I am a personal missionary.  Whew!  What a good (and bad) thing.  I now see that "I am spiritually single" and that God will somehow use me to reach my husband's heart.
Yet, here is the other thing.  I have to look at Jesus and not try to manipulate or force something.  I am simply letting go of expectation and releasing my burdens. I am back, in a way, where I was when I was single and I saw my life as a partnership between me and God.  I actually should have never relin

So many thoughts and revelations lately.... two great books that have deeply helped and the third I am starting today...

So, I read another book by Patrica Evans today, and although I don't agree with her entire world-view, the research and insight is invaluable.  The book "Controlling People" is an eye-opener.

I really want to tell my friends and family what is going on... I just don't feel like defending my thoughts because they are deep and tiring and exasperating...  I am alone until I try again to gather my support.  I need to do this carefully because I don't want them to think I am out for revenge.  And how would I communicate the details of all that has happened AND try to catch them up on all the "discoveries" I have made about what this is, what causes it and what the solution would be.  No one wants to be invited to that party!

I can see it in the faces of the people who suspect something.  They are distant and don't ask too many questions... a sign that my mess is to "messy". 

Every new revelation comes with a severe price.  On the outside I look like a blob of depression and isolation.  I am withdrawn and I am not involved with much.  Being someone's punching bag, emotionally, is draining.  I see it in the eyes of the ones who don't understand why I haven't escaped.   I see it in my family who thinks I am weak.  I see the eyes of my church friends and especially the leaders, I think they want me to "take one for the team" and suck it up.

They are walking in and out of my peripheral vision.  I am honing in like a detective.  Sure I have a lot of "evidence"
that my solution is leaving.  I am just looking for the motivation.... beyond anger, beyond understanding, I want my heels and lipstick on when I walk out.  I want my dignity back.  My husband has stripped away my sense of identity because he needs to "borrow" my presence as a fantasy world.  He can't be real or honest about himself.  He is self-deceived and CAN NOT hear or see. 

I want the pleasure of owning my own individuality NOW before I run to a women's shelter.  I want him to look me in the eye now and face someone who has "seen the light".  I will not allow him to define me anymore.  I will not allow him to get in my head and I will not put up with this one moment longer than necessary.  I would love to walk out of my marriage and into a life that he didn't know I had already prepared.  He would be so damn baffled at my "separateness"...  Inside I think he needs me to leave, just like a guilty child desires his punishment.

Like most Christian women who have sought biblical counseling or read the main-line marriage books, I find myself with a regurgitated list of things to do to "save" my marriage.  I have high-lighted and noted myself to death.  If so many books and teachers are saying the same thing, then why does it seem to fail MOST of the time? It's not like we aren't praying and trying...  I have come to my own solution accompanied by the stuff written by Paul Tripp and this is my conclusion.  To make my revelation clear, I will use analogy... 

Imagine yourself in a poker game.  The stakes are high and you have a decent hand to play.  Do you look the other players in the eyes and "share your heart" about  you are holding? Do you reveal that already have read their "tells" and are aware of what is in their hand? No.  This is plain-old dumb logic.

It's time to stop pretending that we are a "team".  Most women play the cards in marriage thinking it to be a "scrapbook party" of sorts.  We lay it out, cut it up, arrange it, share it and memorialize the moment of shared experience.  However, if you are in an abusive relationship, the others or "other" at your table is not into creating a memory, they have a different mindset.  If they are abusing you, then you are a foe.  And YOU must be smashed.

Back to the books that we have all read... One stands out, "Love and Respect".   It gives the same list of what he needs and what she needs and then puts the success of the marriage in the hands of two people that are supposed to fake it.  This might be all good except for the fact that when a man figures out that his wife is acting the way she is (respectful little church mouse) he sees her as manipulating and so, he holds out more.  He sees her "repect" as a ploy because he knows he doesn't deserve it.  It backfires if both parties know the cards the other is holding.  This law-based mentality does not go to the heart of the issue, which is a SIN issue, not a marriage issue.  It just teaches a pair of old dogs new tricks.

With this in mind, I think I have learned that going to my husband and gushing about all the stuff I've learned, or what I have figured out about him, I am basically showing him my cards and guaranteeing that I will lose. We need to be wise as serpents, gentle as doves... like a good gambler.  

Women, let's stop trying to get our husband on the same page.  Let's just get on with our lives and be the most flourishing, joyful, free-spirited Jesus followers that we can be.  And, as long as he's packing at the table, hide your cards and play smart!